


Breakeven

by lovewido



Category: The Walking Dead & Related Fandoms, The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Angst, Hate, Hurt, Love, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Mentions of Suicide, Mentions of Suicide Attempt, Pain, Past Relationships, Slow Build, Smut, Triggers, like a lot of it, mentions of bullying, mentions of cutting, mind the tags please
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-18
Updated: 2018-08-17
Packaged: 2019-06-12 15:33:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15342912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovewido/pseuds/lovewido
Summary: It had been nothing but a dream. He should’ve known it wasn’t going to end up like this. No way one of the most popular guys on school liked him, would date him. He should’ve known it was just a prank, that he only did it to hurt him, to laugh into his face with the rest of the popular kids. Because he had believed those fake ass lies. He believed all of it, even fell for him. Only to  beaten up by his friends and get laughed at. He should’ve known better, he should have. But that bastard just stabbed him right in the heart and the only thing left in the world for him had faded away._________MIND THE TAGS PLEASE BEFORE READING THIS FANFICTION. A LOT OF TRIGGER WARNINGS.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> MIND THE TAGS PLEASE BEFORE READING THIS FANFICTION, AS THERE ARE A LOT OF TRIGGERS. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
> 
> I have no self control. As soon as I thought about this I was gone, I had to write this.  
> So there we go, a Regan fic with not a very nice tone right now, but I promise y'all it'll be lighter later ; )  
> Title is from Breakeven by the Script

It had been nothing but a dream. He should’ve known it wasn’t going to end up like this. No way one of the most popular guys on school liked him, would date him. He should’ve known it was just a prank, that he only did it to hurt him, to laugh into his face with the rest of the popular kids. Because he had believed those fake ass lies. He believed all of it, even fell for him. Only to beaten up by his friends and get laughed at. He should’ve known better, he should have. But that bastard just stabbed him right in the heart and the only thing left in the world for him had faded away. 

Fatty Ricky had been his name in high school. Or just Fatty. He had been overweight, quite a bit. The only friends he had were nice people, nerds and other outcasts, but nice people. Eugene, a guy who was just way too scientific and was really, really smart. Daryl, who’s dad beat him up, a redneck kid. Glenn, asian kid, basically enough for the popular kids to pick on him. And last but not least, there was Aaron, an openly gay person. Which was also enough for him to be picked on by the cool kids.

Their group accepted everyone for who they were, not being to difficult about it. As long as people were nice, you know? They were all being picked on, but the group seemed to have a soft spot for him. Well, soft spot wasn’t the term to use. They always picked on him, every damn day. Even on the weekends, sing social media or whatever they could get their hands on. It was tiring, but he could manage it. 

And then something had changed. Negan, one of the most populair boys of the school had walked towards him, with that flashy smile of his and had said “Hey there, beautiful.” And started to damn flirt with him. He had become red, as red as a tomato because how couldn’t he? Negan was damn attractive, one of the most beautiful guys he’d ever seen. He’d knew for quite a while that he was bi-sexual, but kept quiet about it because if the bullies would find out.. Dear lord he didn’t want to know what would have happened if the bullies would know that. They even went on a couple of dates. A date with Negan. That was something every girl would want from the school. And well, Aaron would’ve wanted it too if Negan wasn’t one of the bullies. 

He should’ve known it wouldn’t work out like this, because Negan was a bully, had bullied him already for so long. But at that moment Negan had been so sweet and so caring, that he just fell right for his trap. After the fourth date, Negan had set him up, he didn’t know how Negan knew... but he did. He had wanted to kiss him that night, only to hear those damn words. “There is no way I would kiss a fatass like you, Fatty.” And then Negan’s friends got out, laughed at him, called him a fag fatty, said there would be no way to get their dicks up with an ugly fatass like him, while he got beaten up physically as well. 

And the only thing he could do was curl himself up in a ball and cry, because he had trusted Negan, fell in love with Negan, only to be stabbed in the heart. He saw some of his friends give him some money. It had been for a damn bet. Negan hadn’t cared about his feelings, Negan toyed with him. Negan hurt him so bad. He remembered coming home and just breaking down. He was done with his life, he was done with the bullying and with the hurt. His mom tended the wounds, said she wanted to talk to the principal but he declined, it would only make things worse. 

He had cared less about his life, to the point where he had cut himself. He had written a suicide letter and everything. He cut his wrists, hoping it would be enough to end his life. But he woke up in a hospital, his wrists bandaged and attached to an iv-drip. His parents had found him when he had just passed out, apparently. His mom pressing on the wounds while his dad called the emergency line. What followed were years of therapy, moving to a new town and getting home-schooled. He wasn’t proud of what he did, he was disgusted with himself. It took him long months before he accepted himself again and looked for any contact with his old friends, who were gladly relieved that he was still alive. His parents divorced not that long after they had moved. They couldn't handle the pressure together of his mental problems and his dad left his mom.He changed his last name to his mothers maiden name, Grimes, as he didn't want to connect with his dad anymore because he left his mom behind in a hard period like this. 

They weren’t allowed to visit him because he was on the mental part of the hospital, only his closest family was allowed to come inside. Meaning that those were his parents and his grandparents. It took him months to make sure he was even close to okay. He’d gotten skinnier through the years and he even met a nice girl he dated for a while named Lori. Until she slept with his new best friend called Shane. Who became his ex-new-best friend. And he should’ve been mad at them for doing that to him, but the only thing in his mind was getting revenge on Negan. Because that son of a bitch had ruined his life and took away even the smallest things he still cared for. 

So that was exactly what he was going to do. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here's a random update because I feel like it :"D   
> Again, mind the tags! I couldn't underline it more. 
> 
> I'm trying to work right now on chapters for my next vacation, I'll try to upload at least once a week for this fic!! At least, if there is wifi, otherwise i'll try and upload as soon as I do have wifi, since I'm going camping lol :") 
> 
> Anyway!! enjoy! C;

How long had it been since he had been here? Must be at least twenty years. He hated this place, King County. It had given him so many bad memories, to the point where he had done a suicide attempt here. The scars on his wrists were he proof of that. The last time he had been here he had been overweight, not the most handsome person in the world and quite shy as he didn’t want anyone to find out that he was bi-sexual. Not that it had mattered, because it hadn’t. He clenched his jaw thinking about that. He was here for that exact reason, because according to his online research, the person who started this all still lived here. 

He never even thought about returning here, as he had a wife and a kid, but shit happened. His best friend at the force slept with his wife, apparently already since high school and no-one told him how much he wasted his life, knocked her up while he was in a coma because he had been shot. And the only thing he thought about right that moment that he wanted to get revenge on Negan. Lori always told him that he didn’t talk about his feelings, well guess how that happened? He never even told her about it, but she could probably guess what he did when he had been a teenager when she saw the scars on his wrist. She never said anything about it though, probably waiting until he started to talk about it himself. Which he didn’t.

He bought a house here a month after the divorce was final. He would get Carl two weekends a month and half of the vacations. Which was almost nothing, but better than nothing. He sighed as he looked inside his new house. The furniture was already in there, the house was ready to be lived in but he wasn’t so sure he was ready to go and live here. Plus point, Negan lived very close. But let’s be real, when didn’t you live close to each other in a small town like King County where everyone knew each other. Though his name had changed to his mom’s maidens name because of the divorce, making him Rick Grimes, he hoped no-one would really recognize him. Probably not. 

He tried to remember himself that nothing was going to be the same this time. This time he would stab a knife in Negan’s heart. Give him something he gave him all those years ago. He would break his damn heart. Even if it was the last thing he’d ever do, he’d see Negan cry and heartbroken. He wanted to see him suffer for all the problems he had given him. He softly smiled at that thought, that would feel good. To finally get what he was pining for. 

He dumped his clothes in his bedroom, looking around in the house. It looked neat, it was fine like this. Hopefully he could leave here as soon as he’s done with this. He grabbed some pictures of Carl, and him together with Carl and spread them around the house. He loved Carl, so damn much. And he missed him already. 

So the first thing to do was integrate in the community. What better way for that than to go to the local bar everyone comes to? He’d always see the bar ‘Alexandria’ in the bus when he went to school. He’d always wondered how it looked like on the inside. Well, today was a first for that. It didn’t look all that special though, just like any other basic bar in Atlanta. But it was good enough probably. But the second thing he noticed as he walked into the bar, was Negan. 

He recognized his face immediately, carved into his mind, making his blood burn like toxic. He hated him. He was just sitting there with a whiskey in front of him, looking kind of _down_? He was here to make him feel that, but he was already feeling down? Well, he could make it worse now, which might be even better than before. So he sat down at the bar next to Negan and ordered himself a beer. Easy on the alcohol, he still wanted to be able to think and make sure that he wouldn’t say things he didn’t want to say. 

“Hey there,” he said with a smile to Negan, who looked up to him in confusion. _Please don’t recognize me, please don’t recognize me, please don’t recognize me._ “Damn, hey you.” Negan said with a smile that was all teeth. He had to be damn cautious here to not just punch all of those white teeth out of his mouth right there and then. “I’ve never seen you here before, where the hell do you come from?” Good. He hadn’t recognized him. That was real good. Real damn good. “Atlanta, just moved here.” He said with a soft smile to the man. “Shi-et, so that’s where all the hot men come from huh?” Negan asked him with a damn charming smile. God, if he hadn’t been hurt by this man he would’ve fallen for him again. 

“Well, apparently they’re here in King County as well.” He said back with the same charming smile as Negan had. Negan actually smirked at that and it almost made him vomit, gross. But he knew he had to go to some extents if he wanted to reach what he wanted to reach. Especially with him, if he was still the same from High school, fucking around, dicking around. No, he knew he had to do some things that weren’t so pleasant inside of his head, but he knew it was for a good cause, the cause to make Negan cry in front of him. “Well I’ll be damned hot stuff, never thought you’d be so bold to me.” Negan told him with an amused smile, to which he smiled even more amused. “Want me to be even bolder?” He asked with a challenging tone to the man who took a sip from his whiskey. “Go ahead darling.” Negan said, cocking his head a bit. “I think you’re attractive.” He heard a laugh from the man, who shook his head almost in disbelief. “I’m Negan, pleased to meet you.” Negan said with a smile as he reached his hand out to him. He took Negan’s hand without hesitation, with a charming smile on his face. “Rick, Rick Grimes. Nice to meet you too.” 

He’d never imagined that meeting him would be so... easy. “So what does Rick Grimes do for a living?” Of course those kind of questions we’re going to be asked, meeting the new neighbours and everything you know? He smiled softly. “What do you think?” He challenged the man to ask, who looked back challenging and let his eyes wander over his body. “Hmm..” was the first thing that got out of Negan’s mouth. “You must be some kind of model, darlin’. Those bowed legs and your hips would do the shit.” He huffed a soft laugh and shook his head, “Nope,” he said with a chuckle to the man. How cheesy, it was obvious how the man wanted to seduce him. Good thing he was going to play the easy catch, because there would be no other way for Negan to even fall for him. He was a sex-maniac, so probably the thing to start with were friends with benefits and let him fall slowly. No way that Negan would fall for him any other way. 

“Well shit, you’re not some kind of hooker and after my money right?” He snorted. No, not after his money no, he was after his devastation. “No, I’m a retired cop.” He said with a soft laugh. Negan looked at him with disbelief and looked at his watch. “Well, mister Grimes, you certainly don’t look thát old yet. Tell me the story.” Negan said with a charming grin, which made him shrug. “Nothin’ special. Got shot on the job, went into a coma and after that they gave me a big sum of money if I wanted to retire.” He said like it was the most normal thing in the world, because for him it was the most normal thing in the world. Negan looked amused and nodded. “Alright, officer Grimes.” He said with a soft smirk on his face. “It’s getting kind of late, tomorrow is a normal work day for people you know? But I would be fuckin’ honoured if we could have a longer meeting next time. Like... Seven pm in this bar right here this Friday?” he leaned into him and grinned.

“I’ll be here. I’ll make it worth your time.” 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not really a Regan topic, but a bit of back tracking! :D Next chapter will have our two boys though, don't worry ;)

Before he could go to his ‘date’ on Friday, he decided to find some of his old friends that were still living here. He knew Eugene went to go and live in Washington, where he worked in a laboratory and Glenn moved to a nearby town with his wife, Maggie Rhee. It was a village quite close by, so he might just go and visit him any day soon, just because he hadn’t seen him since... well.. since he tried to rob himself of his own life. He’d never seen any of his friends again, even though they had wanted to come, he couldn’t face them. Daryl and Aaron still lived in King County, so he decided to go to Daryl first. Daryl had been like a brother to him, they had been inseparable back then and he was one of the only people who could touch him without flinching away from him. He was the only person who knew back then what Daryl’s dad did to him. He only hoped it had gotten better through the years. Daryl had been the only person he had been in contact with through the years. Even if it were just small conversations once in a couple of months, they both appreciated it. 

He hadn’t told him about moving here, just like Daryl hadn’t seen him skinny and older. They never send each other pictures or anything like that. He was kind of curious how his brother would look like, if he’d been alright. What happened to everyone through the years. He took a deep breath as he knocked on the door, standing in pure silence as he heard some movements inside. He still lived in the broken house he’d lived in twenty years back, which was kind of saddening in his mind, but at least better than him being homeless or anything like that. The scoffed “What?” was the first thing he’d heard from the man as soon as the door was open and he could feel himself tear up. He didn’t know how much he’d wanted to hear his voice all these years. How bad he had missed his brother from another mother. 

“Daryl?” He asked, trying to keep his voice under control, trying to net let it waver to much or to just start and cry. Daryl looked at him with a frown. “Yea, whaddya want?” he swallowed thickly, trying to reign in his emotions before it was too late, to let him feel uncomfortable or anything like that. “It’s me, Rick.” He decided to say. Daryl’s frown started to fall as he looked at him, from top to bottom, before stepping forward and pulling him into a hug. And he returned that hug, tightly against the man he had seen as his brother for so many years, who was still his brother after all those years. “I’m back..” he softly said, clutching onto Daryl’s vest. 

They stopped hugging pretty soon after that and he looked at his friends eyes. He looked tired, but overall, he looked pretty good. “Come in, sorry it’s a mess. If i knew ya were comin’...” He shrugged and stepped inside, he didn’t care about the house, he cared about Daryl. “When did ya get ‘ere?” He looked at the man and smiled. “Yesterday, bought a house here.” He said as he sat down on the slightly uncomfortable couch. Was this the same couch as all those years ago when he came by to drink a beer with Merle, Daryl and the rest of their group? “Shit man, why didn’t ya tell me?” Daryl asked him with a smile. He grinned at him, teasingly. “It wouldn’t be a surprise if I told you right?” Daryl snorted and shook his head. “Man, can’t believe I didn’t hear the town about this, ya know how they like to gossip about everythin’” He swallowed and nodded, that he knew indeed. 

“The town can’t know it’s me, Daryl.” He said carefully but strict. Daryl looked at him with a frown and cocked his head a bit. “What ‘re ya up to Rick?” Daryl asked him, of course he saw through him, he knew it wouldn’t be coming back because he missed this good old town, no he could miss this town like a hurting tooth. “Negan.” Was the only thing he told him. Daryl’s face turned white as he said that name, he was probably not over it either. “I’m goin’ to pay him back after all these years.” He continued his story. Daryl sat down next to him and placed a hand on his knee. “Rick... ‘s been twenty years..” He softly said to him, careful as if anything he could say would drive him away. He looked at Daryl and nodded. “And he’s goin’ to suffer for what they did.” Daryl looked at him and swallowed thickly, nodding slowly. “How ya gonna do that?” 

He always envied Daryl because he simply didn’t care what people said about him, admired him always for that kind of thinking. And he tried to do that, but what Negan and his friends did was just... unforgivable. “Same way he did for me. Make him fall in love with me and stomp on his heart.” He said calmly. Daryl looked at him with a frown, but didn’t say anything about it. He knew it was a bad plan, but right now it was the only thing he could think of. “Rick.. what happened that ya wanted to do this after so much time?” He swallowed thickly and ran a hand through his hair. “Lori cheated with Shane.” He finally managed to say. He didn’t want to see his face while he said those words. “I can only get Carl two weekends every month. I should be mad at Shane, at Lori, but I’m not. I’m mad at Negan.” He said with a sour face. Because Negan had been why he had relationship problems, because he didn’t like to think about Negan and telling him all about himself would cause that he had to think about Negan. 

“He ruined my life, so I’m going to ruin his life.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today I'll bring you... Smut! o3o.  
> So have smut and enjoy this chapter ;))  
> Love you guys!

Looking up Daryl was the best thing he could ever do. He had missed his best friend all those years and now that he had returned they agreed to meet at least once every week. Also to inform Daryl how things were progressing with Negan. Not that he would give any details.. cause he already made up his mind what he was going to do tonight, at their ‘date’. Which looked more like a thing to go to to get them hooked up. His sex life had been in a slump for years with Lori, so it wasn’t like he minded. He just minded that it had been with Negan. Because no one could make him feel more disgusted than Negan. It wasn’t that Negan was ugly or something, hell Negan was really attractive, even now, but it was his behaviour. Like he knew he was hot. And the way he had treated him when they were in school together didn’t help as well. 

He had decided to come fashionably late, because he didn’t want to overcome as too eager, but not be that late that Negan would be moving on to someone else. So he had been like what? Ten minutes late or something. Negan looked at him with a grin as soon as he walked in. He put on his blue blouse, that brought out the colour of his eyes so badly. And his black jeans, where his ass came out just perfect and showed off his bowed legs. “Damn honey, look at you.” Negan said with a pleased smile. Negan was wearing just a blank white t-shirt with jeans, but even that was something he could pull off. 

“Well, could say the same about you.” He said with a grin to the man as he lowered himself onto the chair next to Negan. He had to play this god damn good and pray his skills would still be good. “All dressed up for me darling’?” He shot Negan a knowing smile, leaving him to guess about that. Of course he did, he wanted to seduce this man. “Shi-et darling. You look so damn good you know that?” This wasn’t a normal date, he had to keep remember that. They were here to see if they could be anything on the sexual part. If they were compatible. With a knowing grin he placed his hand on Negan’s inner thigh and licked his lips. “We’re here to talk or to do somethin’ else? Been thinkin’ about this for days.” He said to the man.

And boy, did Negan react. Negan reacted with a big ass smirk on his face, before wrapping a hand around his lower waist. “No sweet talk needed huh? Aren’t you a perfect little thing.” Negan almost purred at him, digging the tips of his fingers into his side. He grinned and let his hand wander on the inside of Negan’s thigh. “Well, at least I’m not the only one who’s eager.” He said, fingers softly digging into Negan’s hard crotch. There was no use to talk about things, Negan didn’t seem like a person with a lot of patience. If he was good enough he could stay around. If he stayed around him they could talk about things and that was how he was going to make him fall in love with him. 

Negan licked his lips and let his fingers slide underneath his blouse. “What are you going to do about that honey?” Negan’s smooth voice whispered in his ear, tickling his ear shell. His body shivered at the intimacy. Don’t freak out now, Grimes. That was the last thing he should do in Negan’s presence. “How about I’ll show you?” He said with a smirk. Negan licked his lips again, seeming quite pleased with his words. He plucked himself loose from Negan’s grip, slowly rising to his feet while he kept his blue eyes connected with the hazel brown eyes of the taller man. 

He turned around to walk towards to bathroom, making sure he would walk just perfectly with his hips full in view and only stopping at the door to look back at Negan with an inviting smile and look in his blue eyes, before walking into the bathroom. Dear lord, he’d only have a couple of minutes before he would be here, if he wanted to come in the first place. He took a deep breath and opened the tap to drink some water. After that he closed the tap and waited. Just waited. Negan must be tempted to come, he was almost sure of it. 

When he heard the door opening, he saw Negan standing there with a smirk on his face. “Not chickening out are you?” Negan asked him, to which he reacted with a roll over his eyes. “Wouldn’t be here if I were right?” he said, pulling Negan towards him by his shirt. Negan looked down at him, with a wide smile all over his face. He couldn’t look anymore pleased than this, or could he? 

Their lips crashed together and he had to keep reminding himself that this was for his revenge, because the last thing he would like to do was kiss this mouth. They crashed into one of the stalls, Negan locking the door behind them. He let his hands slide over the lean man’s body, careful not to be in his way too much. Because the man was ravishing him and he wanted to give him every little bit of space to do so. Teeth clacking, tongues fighting as if they were in the most heavy fight they’ve ever been in, lips bruising the other person’s lips and Negan’s hard clothed cock pressed against his stomach. 

Negan moved on from his lips to his neck, which he gave permission for by lifting his head, tilting it so the man would have more room to play with and more space to work with. The stubble against his neck burned, but it wasn’t an unpleasing burning to his surprise. The soft nibbles on his neck and the teasing bites made him squirm and he was quite surprised when a soft moan left his mouth as Negan started to suck on a piece of skin. He let out a soft gasp when Negan softly bit in the bruised skin. “Jesus,” he breathed out as Negan’s tongue started to trace some lines over his throat. He let his hands wander through Negan’s hair, pulling it softly when Negan had found something he liked. 

He gently pushed Negan away, letting his hands slide over his sides, before he dropped to his knees. He looked up to Negan, to find something of disapproval, but the only thing he found was approval in the hazel eyes. He started to unbuckle the belt that was around Negan’s jeans, before unbuttoning his jeans and pull his jeans down. God, he was really going to do this, how fucking sour it felt in his mouth to do this. He palmed the hardened cock, which was still in the black boxers Negan wore. Softly stroking against the fabric, which earned him some muffled curses which were unhearable for him. 

He slowly pulled down the black boxers, what a joke it would’ve been if would have a small cock. But shit, he hadn’t. Negan’s cock was quite impressive. Slightly above average as far as he could tell, but he wasn’t here to inspect Negan’s cock, he was here to suck it. He let his hand slide from Negan’s thigh towards his cock, giving it a couple of soft strokes before he moved closer. He licked the slit of his cock first and he could hear Negan suck in a breath, which made him grin. He lifted the cock up, licking from the bottom all the way up to the head of the cock. 

He tried to keep as much as saliva in his mouth as possible, trying to keep himself from swallowing. Shit, when was the last time he had done this? He slowly took the head of the cock in his mouth, looking up to Negan with his innocent blue eyes. He tried to brace himself for the girth and the length, breathing through his nose. Fuck, he wasn’t sure he would be able to take him all, but he had to try if he wanted to make an impression on the man. He slowly took more of Negan inside of his mouth, up until he felt the head of the cock against the back of his throat. He supressed his gag reflex and slowly ran his hands over Negan’s hip. “Shit honey, look at you.” Negan told him hoarsely. “Those fucking plump lips of yours look fucking perfect wrapped around my cock like that.” He let a ‘mhm’ out as a sign he approved, before he slowly started to bob his head. 

Every few times he sucked him he had to pull back to get some more air, but he stroked the man in the mean time and fondled with Negan’s balls as he stroked his cock. Negan made strangled noises as soon as he took his cock back into his mouth and hollowed his cheeks. And it wasn’t long until Negan’s hand found his curls and pulled them. The next thing he knew was Negan’s grunting, grabbing his head as he started to thrust into his mouth. He clutched his hands on Negan’s hips, holding onto to make sure he wouldn’t make any problems. 

“Fucking shit. Rick. I’m going to come. Choose now darling, jesus.” Negan groaned and he responded with his blue eyes locking onto the hazel eyes and a soft squeeze in Negan’s lips. Negan groaned with a pleased smile. “Jesus christ,” Negan groaned, leaning his head back against the stall wall as he stilled his head, coming into his mouth not long later. He swallowed down the salty come, slowly pulling away and giving Negan’s cock a few kitten licks, before he rose to his feet and let his lips clash against Negan’s again. “You sure are something, Rick.” Negan said with an amused smile as he pulled on his pants again. 

While he could only hope he wouldn’t throw up from the memories.


End file.
